What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office