who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.