Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
You Might Also Like
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior