KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
You Might Also Like
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*