I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
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not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.