Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
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Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….