Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
You Might Also Like
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.