[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”