Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
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My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
work smarter, not harder
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it