it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
we all know this pain all too well
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol