My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
getting corrected
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*