sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*