Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
ouch
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.