me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
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Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
they split up moments later
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.