It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
You Might Also Like
Steam Forums
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Damn what did I do next
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze