Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
This kinda thing happens to me often
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
If you love someone, let them sleep.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.