Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE