The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
me after drinking all the wine:
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
OH. COME. ON.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…