You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
You Might Also Like
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Watson was Holmes schooled
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes