You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
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Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.