Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
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me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Never ghost your hitman.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.