ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.