*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
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I said we supposed to be saving our money.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
*performs CPR on the turkey*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?