[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth