Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.