RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.