My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Yes, but it was never about money
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
fair
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.