He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.