so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.