Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.