HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs