Always 🥴
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Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk