The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times