My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.