did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
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I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
tis the season
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!