Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
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My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
A classic…
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.