My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
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[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.