what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
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Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[eulogy]
line?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs