Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.