What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.