20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.