If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
You Might Also Like
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
she has a point
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]