Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
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wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”