Are you a cat person or a person person?
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Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
There is wisdom there.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.