[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.