I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My dress code is business-casualty.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is