[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
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Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”