Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great