I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list