I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”